Coming Out

Coming out is not about flaunting anything; it’s about telling people something very important about who you are. How you do it is one of the most personal decisions you’ll ever make, and it’s a decision you’re likely to have to make over and over again as you come out to different people at different times in your life. There are plenty of ways to come out, and no one way is better than any other. Some people blurt it out in a pent-up burst of emotion, others craft careful letters of explanation and revelation, and others toss it off as casually as a Facebook update. How you handle your own coming out is completely up to you. So whether you’ve been planning for years how to tell your parents you’re gay, or you find yourself exploding with the joy of falling in love and needing to shout it from the rooftops, go ahead – come out!

Coming out to yourself is the first step in this journey—and these days that's happening younger and younger, and for some tweens and teens it seems almost off the cuff. But it's never minor, no matter how much things have changed in the last few decades. And it may be particularly difficult for some people, whether due to innate shyness about personal (especially sexual) matters or the complications of religion, ethnicity, race, or the idiosyncrasies of your particular family. But the first step in coming out is acknowledging your identity to yourself: you are (or are open to exploring being) gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.

Then there's the question of whom to tell first. Coming out to a trusted friend or family member is an enormous test of that trust, and it requires mutual respect—you've been thinking about this conversation for a while, but it may come from out of the blue to someone else, so keep that in mind and give the person room to react. Read the many Queeries and Straight Talks in this section to help you prepare.

There are plenty of ways to come out, and no one way is better than any other. Some people blurt it out in a pent-up burst of emotion; others craft careful letters of explanation and revelation, while others toss their ìnewsî off as casually as a Facebook update or a tweet. How you handle your own coming out is completely up to you.

Remember that you'll be coming out for the rest of your life—to your parents, your siblings, your fellow students or co-workers, your neighbors, your teachers, your doctor, maybe even the dry cleaner. It gets easier each time, but you'll always want to do it with respect and kindness, expecting the same in return. Also keep in mind that every time you come out, you not only help yourself by shedding some of the burden of living in the closet, you also help the entire LGBT community. Because the more the world sees us, the more weíre out and about living our lives as healthy, happy individuals (and families!), the more we shine the light on outdated notions that have claimed otherwise.

“Are you sure it’s not a phase?”
“Absolutely!”

All About Coming Out

"A homophobe and a gay couple at the same dinner party!"

I recently had a small dinner party that was a disaster. My guest list included a gay couple, several straight friends, and — amongst them and unbeknownst to me — an unabashed homophobe (I’ll call him “Roger.”) In the middle of a conversation about a recent Glee episode, (and after a number of drinks), Roger said he couldn’t stand the show because of all the “f-- ots” in it. When he saw peoples faces drop, he added: “Just kidding.” One of my straight guests pointed out — correctly, although I thought rudely — that there was nothing funny about Roger’s remark and called him a “homophobe.” My gay friends didn’t actually say anything, but I felt terrible for them. Not surprisingly, the evening never recovered. As a host what should I have done at the time?

As a host, your primary responsibility — after making sure no one gets food poisoning — is to ensure that no guest is made to feel uncomfortable. While we can’t be held responsible for the political or religious views of our friends (or worse our family members), it is your duty as a host to protect. Because of the egregious nature of this verbal volley, I would have delivered the adult version of a line often spoken to young people: “We don’t talk that way in this house.”

In this instance I’d have said — very soon after the incident: “Roger, could you help me in the kitchen for a moment?” The point is not to humiliate Roger in front of your other guests, but to take him aside and explain a number of things, starting with, “Hate language is not acceptable in this house.” He may claim not to understand the power of using such a term, but you can certainly set him straight (pun intended) on that point. I’d then ask him to apologize to your other guests — but not to single out your gay friends. Each of us should be offended by homophobic (or racist) comments regardless of our sexual orientation (or skin color).

As for your guest who returned the volley with a cry of “homophobe!” In general, I’d argue that rudeness does not allow for reciprocal bad behavior, but there are times when it’s important to speak the truth — if only because some may interpret silence as concurrence.

About the Book

Gay Manners Confused about coming out, dating, sex, and love? Find all the answers here - makes a great reference guide for you, and a great gift for the straight people in your life who need a little guidance.

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Coming Out

All About Coming Out

"A homophobe and a gay couple at the same dinner party!"

About the Book

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